Swimming-Pool Pizza Prevention Plan: How To Avoid The Single Most Soaking, Sagging Mistake Of Pizza Night

Let’s talk toppings. One of the big problems with toppings: Swimming-pool pizza. That’s when you load a pizza down with veggies, bake it, and end up with a pizza so wet it should be served with a side of lifeguard chairs.
 
Water is a culprit that conspires against you in the world of pizza toppings. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said, “How about pepper and onion?” And my wife replies, “Too wet.” (This despite the fact that I solved the “wet” long ago. Wet pizza is the emotional connection that remains a vivid memory like Monet’s Water Lilies on pizza.

You probably know that vegetables are mainly water. Mushrooms, onions and bell peppers are among the nation’s favorite pizza toppings—and are all around 90% water, give or take. And a lot of pizzerias put them on pizza raw, bake the pizza, put it in a box and send it to you. An already moisture-laden pizza is steaming inside a cardboard box for half an hour, and guess what?

You have a sloppy wet pizza in a box that has become a high-humidity microclimate friendly enough for mosquitoes and alligators. Solution: pre-cook your vegetables! Not only does it evaporate some of the moisture, but it concentrates the flavor of whatever topping you’re using.

Take mushrooms, for instance. Typically, I’m using Baby Bellas or white buttons because that is almost the only kind of mushroom available around here. I’ll slice them thick-ish, put them in a pan with a few cloves of garlic, sprinkle them with salt, toss with olive oil and a couple sprigs of thyme or rosemary, and roast them.

Sounds like too much work? Not really. It takes no time to prep. I slip them into the oven while it’s heating for the pizza. I try to not forget about them. I’ll check them at 10 minutes, and then every five minutes thereafter. At the rate my oven heats, they’re usually done enough by 15-20 minutes. They reduce in size a bit. They smell fantastic. And you have to try really hard to not eat them all by yourself before company comes and you end up having to make a different pizza with whatever alternatives are on hand. Gummi Bears? Pencil erasers? Grommets? Whatever.  Desperate toppings for desperate pizzas. 

Barbarian that I am, I admit that I’ve also “roasted” mushrooms in the microwave. I just substitute a microwave-safe vessel for the pan, and when nobody’s watching—BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP! WHIR! In a pinch, it’s acceptable. Just don’t overdo it and dehydrate them into little wrinkled old trolls or you’re going to be making a different kind of pizza. (Although, come to think of it, that might work out just fine. Kind of a dried mushroom. I have to experiment.)

Sometimes, the roasted garlic cloves from cooking the mushrooms goes on the pizza minced--or on a different pizza altogether. It's another great pizza topping that can benefit from being cooked. It doesn't present the same moisture challenges by virtue of the fact that you just don't use as much of it. 

Using onions, you can sauté them until some of the moisture cooks out. People love to caramelize red onions. I’ve met with resistance on that front from regulars at my table who find them too sweet. (And again, I admit, in a pinch, microwave. BLEEP WHIR!)

Bell peppers work the same way as onions: sauté. Or, you can roast them, too. I’ve done it in a pan in the oven. And (yes) BLEEP WHIR!

Note on BLEEP WHIR: That's not for caramelization. It will not give you color on anything unless there's a Pantone number for "dried out peppers/mushrooms/onions/garlic/[insert veggie here]." 

Please believe me that this is not an endorsement of the culinary heresy of microwave for this task. I’m just being a realist. I’ve made enough pizza that periodically, in pinch, there’s a realization of need and any port in a storm. But however you do any of these things, be cautious.

In other words: Don’t hammer the veggies! Be careful so you don’t overdo it. Your heat level under the pan and your oven temp and your microwave and your joie de vivre are all different than mine. You have to be vigilant. If you’re part of the Free The Pizza family, your intuition with cooking is probably better than you think it is.

So whenever you’re trotting out the vegetables, remember to ask: Will this fill the swimming pool? Shall I hire a cabana boy to hand out towels? Will we all remember this pizza as a trip to the garden pond at Giverny?

Or should I just take some extra time to spank those veggies? Cook them into submission? Make them bolder in the process? And sometimes, that’s exactly the right solution. Not always. Maybe you'll just have to go with trial and error. Even the mistakes are still pretty good. (And not: after-bake garnishes like chopped scallions, fresh basil, and shredded comic books are exempt from this punishment.)

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