Hello, Halloween: Here's a simple, flavor-bomb, anti-vampire pizza you can make at home.

What’s an anti-vampire pizza? Please allow me to answer your question with a question: Do you enjoy garlic?
 
This is an easy-to-make pizza. (Recipe follows at the end of this post.)
 
This pizza also sounds very minimalist--enough so that people will say, “That doesn’t sound very interesting."
 
And that’s the beauty of it: nobody sees this pizza coming.

When it arrives, they're awestruck at how crazy flavorful it is and their heads spin like Linda Blair's in The Exorcist on meth. (Is that so wrong? It's Halloween!) 

I’ve been working with this pizza lately because on Halloween night, I'm required to make 12 of them.
 
As you may know, my wife is the fabulous Honey Parker, novelist.
 
Her latest book is V-Life: And So It Begins. (Careful! Halloween affiliate link! And there are more to come!)
 
This equally funny and exciting page-turner of a novel is the Gone With The Wind of Jewish vampire van-life comedy novels.

 
As it says at Amazon, “Undead friends are the family you choose. You just can’t invite them to the bat mitzvah.”
 
On Halloween, a music venue here in town is preempting their regular happy hour for a Vampire Happy Hour and book signing.

(If you happen to be in or near Bay St. Louis, Mississippi, the venue is 100 Men Hall DBA and this V-Life Takeover is happening in lieu of the regular Thursday Lava Lounge. Come on by!)
 
Just for the occasion, Free The Pizza has been roped into making a whole pile of vampire-repellent pizzas.
 
So we’ve been making and tasting various iterations of garlic pizza to answer that age-old question:
 
 
How much garlic is too much?
 
So far, the answer is always: more garlic!
 
Here’s why you want to make this pizza: unlike the protracted process of some tortuous nonsense like reinventing pulled pork pizza, this one is a no-brainer.
 
It’s a simple tweak on a time-tested pie and it always surprises your guests.
 
Trick-or-treat!

Above: Anti-Vampire garlic pizza after baking, before garnishing

This is essentially a pizza marinara with an absurd amount of garlic.
 
At the legendary Pepe’s Pizza in New Haven, the base pizza is what they call the “plain.” Red sauce, no mozzarella.
 
People who are tasting this pizza for the first time I have the same reaction to it.
 
“Oh, my God!”
 
We’re all so conditioned to demand cheese, that we're bowled over by the surprising power ofa  tomatoes-only celebration.
 
 
Add to that a fistful of garlic, and it’s “Bam!” and “Boo!”
 
No more vampires.
 
Just mind-bending umami joy.
 
So here’s what you do.
 
You take a dough ball and stretch it.
 
The real deal for our Halloween delivery will be 16 inches. But our tester pizzas here are 10 inches. That’s a small-enough size that Honey doesn’t need to feel guilty about it when I eat most of it.
 
 
And I don’t feel guilty about eating most of it because it’s smaller than a standard pizzeria’s small.
 
(It’s all about perspective.)
 
Stretch that dough ball to size, then sauce that pizza with the best tomatoes you can justify.
 
I’m presently torn between Bianco DiNapoli tomatoes and...
 
Who am I kidding? I’m using Bianco DiNapoli tomatoes. They’re fantastic.
 
I buy them in a six-pack from Amazon and I bathe in them.
 
That explains my complexion--the rosy glow in my cheeks, the suppleness of my love handles.
 
You should try it
 
Anyway, I make a flavorful sauce.
 
 
You could use these glorious California organic tomatoes straight, with maybe just a little more than salt.
 
But I always punch 'em up. I grind them up by pulsing them with an immersion blender in a saucepan.
 
Some would advocate using them straight from the can.
 
I think that is a purist folly.
 
Unless you’re baking so-called “authentic” 900-degree Neapolitan pies, there’s no reason to use them can-strength.
 
 
Leave can-strength for the fortifying beer you’re drinking while you make the sauce.
 
I then add organic garlic powder, onion powder, black pepper, white pepper, cayenne pepper, basil, olive oil, and salt. A splash of wine if I have an open bottle handy. Maybe I should open a bottle now.

Anti-Vampire garlic pizza garnished with pecorino Romano and olive oil 

​For me, the sauce should have such a tasty and enticing “pop” that you could justify sitting down in a corner with the saucepan and a spoon, and just wail on it with the utter abandon of Little Jack Horner shoveling Christmas Pie in the hole.
 
The purists will damn me to hell for that. 
 
But hey, it’s Halloween!
 
So, you stretch the pizza. I find my 10-inch pizza takes about 1/4 of a cup of my sauce, which might be a bit generous.
 
But remember, we’re not adding big cheese here. So we have some latitude. 
 
Then comes the fresh garlic. For that 10-inch pizza, I’m using about 2 tablespoons of finely chopped garlic cloves. That's way more than is sensible. 
 
 
Be sure to distribute the garlic evenly, or some of your guests will become more vampire-repellent than others.
 
And finally, apply a judicious drizzle of good olive oil.
 
Lately, I’ve been using Partana Organic Extra-Virgin, Unfiltered olive oil (fruity and balanced!).
 
Someone would argue that an oil of that high a quality oil is overkill for this task.
 
Here’s why I use it.
 
It tastes great.
 
But also, the pour spout on that little, 500ml can offers exceptional control of the olive oil stream.
 
In over 20 years of doing this, it’s the best control of the olive oil drizzle ever.
 
 
I can hear undead pizzaioli rolling in their graves.
 
So it goes.
 
The pizza is now stretched and dressed with good organic sauce, fresh organic garlic, and high-priced organic olive oil.
 
(Sound like a bit much? I get it. You can use less expensive, standard ingredients if you want. I’ve gone to the organic dark side because I’m finding better taste, better shelf life and somewhat less guilt. Even though I’m perhaps pulling the wool over my own eyes, I like that it’s not itchy. Your mileage may vary.)
 
Launching the pizza into a 550-degree oven on steel with the broiler engaged, this pizza without cheese requires a somewhat shorter bake. It takes about five minutes in my oven.
 
 
Once acceptably browned and exhibiting a few charred beauty marks, out it comes and onto a cooling rack.
 
Next, a generous sprinkle of shredded pecorino Romano, followed by another discreet drizzle of olive oil.
 
The vampire novelist who is hosting the vampire-repellent pizza party debated the addition of a dried oregano sprinkle.
 
I understand. It’s a flavor of her youth and remains a go-to pop of flavor.
 
But I resisted here.
 
With good garlic, good oil and good tomatoes as the stars of this pizza, it seemed a prudent choice to step away from the herbs.
 
I believe it was the right choice.
 
 
Here’s what happens next when you serve this pizza: surprise and delight.
 
(Note: you can also make it without so much garlic and something similar happens.)
 
Also, you can add good anchovies to this pizza, upping the ante on the umami bomb factor.
 
You might even call the resulting anchovy pizza The Umami Bomber.
 
But I guarantee you that doing such a thing will change your entire perception of the normally dreaded anchovy pizza.
 
Your friends who feed and protect their anchovy hate will despise you for it, but hey—all is fair in love and pizza. (When you have good anchovies--instead nasty anchovies subjected to even nastier treatment at the ham-fisted hands of a nasty chef--the anchovy pizza can be glorious. But I digress.)

But for now, this the Anti-Vampire pizza, sporting good tomatoes with garlic-on-garlic action. 

It is thrilling. 
 
 
And here’s the final surprise on this garlic-laden pizza.
 
It’s really good cold.
 
More than once, I’ve grabbed a slice from the fridge, taken a bite, and thought, If only all pizza tasted this good—cold or otherwise.
 
Happy Halloween!

Another closeup. Why? Because we have the technology!

​RECIPE: The V-Life Anti-Vampire Pizza 

This recipe yields a 10-inch pizza. Scale it up as you see fit. Calculating the relative areas of larger pizzas is easy by asking Google. Or you can guess using good instincts. I do. It often works out. 
 
 
Equipment

Baking steel or stone, cooling rack and pizza peel. (Ideally, I recommend a wooden peel for launching the pizza and a metal peel for retrieving it. If you don’t have a peel and aren't easily intimidated, a cookie sheet can be used. Remove any cookies first.)

For spreading the sauce, you will require a ladle, a big spoon or a spoodle. (I have a spoodle. I don't use it much.)

A device for cutting the pizza is required. I use a pro-grade 5-inch pizza cutting wheel by Dexter-Russell. A long knife will suffice. Some enjoy the drama of a mezzaluna, a scimitar or a Samauri sword. (If you choose the latter tools, have bandages on hand, as well as a bag of ice for transporting any digits that may go astray. Remember, it's Halloween.)
 
 
Ingredients
 
1 pizza dough ball, 225 grams / 8 ounces
 
1/4 cup pizza sauce
 
2 TBSP fresh garlic, finely chopped
 
Olive oil for drizzling
 
Shredded pecorino Romano for sprinkling

Semolina for dusting
 
 
Directions
 
Before doing anything else, remove the dough ball from the fridge.

A cold dough ball won’t stretch. It will shrink back to its previous size, you will lose patience, and you will be tempted to tear holes in the dough and wear it as a Scream mask. (Boo!)
 
In the oven, position an oven rack with a baking steel or stone at 6-8 inches beneath the broiler element. Turn on oven to bake at 550 degrees F (or whatever it's highest setting may be, occasionally 525 or sometimes 500). 

Once the oven reaches temp, preheat for one hour.
 
When the oven is ready, remove the dough ball from its container and place it on a floured surface. Stretch the dough to ten inches round. Slide the stretched dough onto a peel dusted liberally with semolina.
 
Spread the pizza sauce evenly around the surface of the pizza.
 
Sprinkle the chopped garlic evenly around the pizza.
 
Drizzle the pizza lightly with olive oil.
 
Using a peel (or a cookie sheet), slide the pizza onto the steel/stone. Close the oven door and switch the oven to high broil.
 
At 3 minutes, use the peel to rotate the pizza 180 degrees. Continue baking for 2 more minutes or until the pizza crust has browned and has occasional areas of delightful char.

(Be sure to monitor the pizza's progress. All ovens behave differently. I've found some of the cheapest ovens are the most aggressive and harsh--charring a pizza before you've realized it. Conversely, high-end ovens seem to be somewhat tamer and may take longer.)
 
Using the peel, remove the pizza from the oven and place it on a cooling rack. Sprinkle a generous pinch of shredded pecorino Romano around the pizza. Drizzle a touch more olive oil.
 
Transfer pizza to a serving pan or cutting board. Slice and enjoy a vampire-free experience!

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